Day 4

Confession, I am not the best blogger in the world. This is probably not going to be my true calling in life. I have a lot I want to share with you. (Another reason why I am bad at writing a blog, I have an idea of who reads this but then again I really have no clue so it feels like I am awkwardly writing to myself, also after speaking Spanish for the past 3 months my English is rotten). Things I really need to blog about: the rainforest, Quito, machismo, the coast, and where I will be for the next month, but for now you’re going to get the hot mess I like to call my heart.

Things that are on my heart: I turned 21 on the 4^th day of November in Quito, Ecuador. As a young American I should have partied like it was 1989, but I didn’t. I had dinner with some friends, Skyped with some more friends, ate Oreo cake, called home to talk to mis padres, made a wish/prayer that I hope will come true, and studied for a final. Not exactly your average 21^st birthday (for the Canadian readers out there 21= legal drinking age). Fact, I try really hard not to make a big deal out of my birthday by not mentioning it but LOVE surprises and when people remember. So this year the surprise I found most exciting was that I felt loved from all corners of the world! I should admit that I know I am not the easiest person to love; I have layers and stories that require time and patience to sift through. It shouldn’t be a surprise but I find it hard to receive love because I don’t ever know what to give back in return but I’m learning to see love as a state of grace, not a means to anything.

This shouldn’t be surprise either but I am a hopeless romantic that totally wants to believe in fairytales with poufy dresses and princes that don’t make you cry but we all know that happily ever after only happens when shooting star wishes come true, sigh— I am such a girl. So truth: I have a slight princess complex, but then I go through these phases of being a feminist that will never ever get married and burn all my bras to a 1950’s Betty Crocker phase with pearls, heels, and chocolate chip cookies. One thing I miss most here in Ecuador is not being able to share this with someone. Sure Skype, emails, Facebook, and all that is grand but that doesn’t bring you here next to me. Have you ever just seen something so wonderful you wanted to turn to the person next to you hold their hand and say, “this is beautiful isn’t it?”.

I was told that Ecuador and my time here would change me – and I’m starting to see that it has. I feel that the more and more I become my own, gaining independence and self-reliance the less and less I see myself as someone’s. The romantic in me wants a sense of companionship but I am finding that in myself with Jesus. I am learning to be alone and not be lonely, too find joy in the solitude of my heart. I am an old soul trapped in a young woman’s body. Here in Ecuador I don’t feel like an angry feminist who hates Latino men and their machismo but I don’t feel entirely ready to prance around in heels and have some crazy fairy tale either and I am not ready to jet set my Miss. Independent self around the world either—here I feel healing. All I want in this life is gray hair, a rocking chair, and some chocolate milk sitting on a porch facing west. I feel settled into who I am as a person and as a woman, and that’s the best birthday present a girl could ask for.